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18K views 85 replies 13 participants last post by  vw-cranky 
#1 ·
#2 ·
Read story below first before checking out the picture.

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girl's night dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....:cool:

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....:lol:

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...:rolleyes:

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....:)

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But then..... Wait a minute....:eek:

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:stupid: A picture is worth a thousand words...:stupid:



but the bright side u get the house and car :bandit:
 
#5 ·
A must read for everyone

3-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop
that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the
next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?' :eek:

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.' :eek:

:lol:Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' :eek:

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. :eek:

:lol: Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. :eek:

:lol: Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him. :eek:

:lol: Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course
 
#6 ·
Guess what this is & where?

Answer - At The End







It's a new Prison built in the UK!

Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer:

PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle/ office!

PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for.
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it!

PRISON
You get time off for good behavior.
@ WORK
You get more work for good behavior!

PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
@ WORK
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself!

PRISON
You can watch TV and play games.
@ WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games!

PRISON
You get your own toilet.
@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat!

PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit.
@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family!

PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
@ WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners!

PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars ;-)

PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens.
@ WORK
They are called managers!

Now get back to work! You're not getting paid to check this out!
 
#7 ·
> > DAVID BLAINE TEST
> > This is creepy!
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Think of a letter between
> > A and W :rolleyes:
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Repeat it
> > out loud as
> > you scroll down
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Keep going
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Don't stop
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Think of an
> > animal
> > that begins
> > with that letter :)
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Repeat it
> > out loud
> > as you
> > scroll down
> > ..
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Think of either
> > a man's or a woman's
> > name
> > that
> > begins
> > with the
> > last letter
> > in the
> > animal's name :rolleyes:
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > ..
> > Almost
> > there
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Now
> > count out
> > the letters
> > in that name
> > on the fingers
> > of the hand
> > you are not
> > using to
> > scroll down :rolleyes:
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Take the
> > hand you
> > counted with
> > and hold it out
> > in front of you
> > at face level :)
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Look at your
> > palm
> > very closely
> > and
> > notice
> > the
> > lines
> > on
> > your
> > hand :)
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Do the lines
> > take the
> > form of the
> > first letter
> > in the
> > persons name?
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > Of course they
> > F****ing
> > don't !
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > ..
> > .
> > Now smack
> > yourself in the head,
> > get a life,
> > and
> > quit playing this
> > stupid
> > game!
 
#9 ·


Only if we've started driving on the right.

Sorry


Erm, I design high secure units for a living here in the UK......not come across ANYTHING like this, but am willing to be proved wrong.
Now it could be Sweden or one of the other countries round that way?

And Buzz does have a point!!!

j ;)

*edit - just read the SORRY clicky posted by Buzz....BUSTED!!!*
 
#13 · (Edited)
Who says soccer is not fun and entertaining

Playboys offical team...:eek:



Thats hand ball Off side:incheek:



the altimate Soccer AM contribution to football entertainment ......

http://office-humour.co.uk/download.cfm?id=1051

American football
Bosses r trying to capture more of the male viewing audience as the cheerleaders are loosing their appeal.... so they have come up with women's football what your views .......




:eek:
I will take a season ticket

that should change your mind ...
 
#18 ·
Who said that refs don't get to enjoy the game ..... :cool:

the ref's view point... :eek:




Some of u were considering being a referee well this is what happens when u give a wrong decision .... :eek:



Im on the understanding that 400 wrong decision were give in this game..... :lol:

please note that they have 4/5 on the field at any one time

now that u have all the facts do u still want to be a referee now ........

Please Please Please Please Please
 
#19 ·
Ever wondered why some women that ride pass u on their bikes smile at u and r a bit flustered :rolleyes:
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there may be a reason, and it's not that u r good looking...

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there's a new bike on the market...

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this gives a whole new meaning to going on a bike ride..... so when the other half says she going on a bike ride u may want to chk just what she means..... :lol:
 
#24 ·
busted

With the money and fame he has what does he need to pray for :rolleyes:



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u just got to:D



'o' i forgot about his other half :lol::lol:

(and yes these are from the papers)
 
#31 ·
PMSL. That's a bad case of warts he has there. :D
Just think if everyone of those warts became a boner then he'd probably die from lack of blood flow to the brain. Hmmmmm i wonder where it all went. Funny as fuck :lol::D
 
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