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SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as a proof of sickness. If you
are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and
Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends and relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early,
provided your days tasks are completed.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as you are expected to train your replacement.

TOILET USE
Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose
names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you are unable
to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may be able to
swap their time with a co-workers. Both workers supervisors must approve this
in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At
the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and
the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get five minutes, because that's all the time it takes to drink
a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume
that you do not need a pay rise.

Thank you for your loyalty to the organisation. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegation,
accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed
elsewhere.

Have a productive day.
 
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