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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Has anyone got any advice about my 7 year old stepdaughter? Yesterday was my birthday and she gave me £20 in a card she'd written that she'd taken out of her piggy bank, which was sweet of her.

The problem is this is not the first time she has tried to give me money. The problem stems from her Dad whom she see's about 2-3 times a year and speaks to about once or twice a month :rolleyes: basically he's an arse with no real respect for her feelings but thats another story.

On a few occasions when she's been staying with him and his Mum, he's taken her to the pub :rolleyes: and borrowed money off her to buy a round of drinks (and no we're not happy about him taking her to the pub). The thing is i think she feels to get my love she needs to give me money too. On a number of occasions i've sat her down told her how much i love her and how i'll always be there for her and instead of her giving me money i'd much rather she came and gave me a hug and a kiss.

This works up until a point but i'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do without slagging off her Dad because as much of an arsehole he is she doesn't need to be told.

She's a bright kid and realises that him permanently borrowing money off her is wrong which is why she sometimes gets upset when i tell her that i'd rather a hug or a picture or whatever.

has anyone got any advice as we're at a bit of a loss?

Cheers

Stu:)
 
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I'd salt the cash away and use it to do/buy her something that she really wants.

And don't get too wound up, she's Seven and is trying her best to do what she thinks will make you happy. Talk to her mum about how she came to the idea of giving you the money, after all she's hardly going to go down the shops and buy you a pair of socks by herself....maybe she remembers Granny or Auntie giving her money for Christmas or something, may be entirely unconnected to the Father.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
nah its connected to her father, she often talks about it, and yes i could put the money away but i don't want her to think its the right thing to do. This is the first time its happened on my birthday, in the past its just random days where she trys to give me money. And she does it without talking to her mum, she does it without her knowing.
 

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I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, with my step daughter. Her Dad isn't an arse in the same way but he believes that the best way to his daughter's heart is through the tills at whichever shop she drags him into and that the bes presents come in the form of twenty pound notes. The same can be said for various grandparents, Aunties, Uncles etc who have no idea what to buy so they just send money and it imprints pretty quickly that cash = presents :)

Consequently she was always trying to give us money as a present so we decided that the best way was to take her shopping for presents when we were buying for each other. That way, when I took her, she learned the thought process that goes into buying something for Mum and how much fun it was when you chose the right thing.

Nowadays it's much different, she knows what Mum likes and she knows that my presents are usually from Halfords. We also set her a limit as to how much she is allowed to spend on presents and that is a fiver each for her Mum, brother and me.

Maybe it's her way of telling you that she doen't know you well enough to choose a present that you will like. Drop hints, let her make mistakes and get her mum totake her shopping.

I think that it's just a bit of an adjustment phase that kids go through with step dads :)

Andy
 
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nah its connected to her father, she often talks about it, and yes i could put the money away but i don't want her to think its the right thing to do. This is the first time its happened on my birthday, in the past its just random days where she trys to give me money. And she does it without talking to her mum, she does it without her knowing.
She's trying to work out in he own head how the adult world works, and you and her father are giving her conflicting messages.

As long as you remind her that giving you money doesn't alter the ammount you love her, then all is well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Maybe it's her way of telling you that she doen't know you well enough to choose a present that you will like. Drop hints, let her make mistakes and get her mum totake her shopping.
Andy
Thats the thing she knows what i like and had already been shopping with my missus and got something which she took great delight in helping me open:D

It was only after that she went and got another birthday card from the drawer put the money in and gave to me. Like i say its more understandable on my birthday but its all the other times that concern me.
 

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why don;t you say thankyou, what can we spend it on together, and take her out on a special shopping trip and buy something essentially for her but that you can do with her, depends what she's into but perhaps books or games, something she can have to keep but can be something for you too. even colouring books, you really mght enjoy it!!! Its a nice feeling for kids to be able to give but sometimes its hard for them to understand what they should give, if she absolutely hates the idea of all this i suppose the other side is she may stop giving you cash to do it with!!!!
 

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Got to put a stop to it now, a 7 year old kid giving £20 in a card, b'day or not. even if its linked to her dad or not, its wrong.

sorry you just need to tell her you cannot accept it, don't need to bring up the dad. But then again no need to hide it from her. As said she has a brain and can work things out for herself, just be open with her mate, but no need to tell her that her dad is an arse;) she will find out later. Tell her that you love home made stuff really and would love her to make you something instead of giving the money:D

My kids still make me home made cards now and they have left home. They hate it and often say "dad can we not just buy you something now" :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
why don;t you say thankyou, what can we spend it on together, and take her out on a special shopping trip and buy something essentially for her but that you can do with her, depends what she's into but perhaps books or games, something she can have to keep but can be something for you too. even colouring books,
i do this already and yes i do enjoy a lot it and we do all sorts of things together she's like my shadow most of the time which i love.

you really mght enjoy it!!!!!
is this meant to be a dig?

Its a nice feeling for kids to be able to give but sometimes its hard for them to understand what they should give, if she absolutely hates the idea of all this i suppose the other side is she may stop giving you cash to do it with!!!!
it is difficult for kids to understand what to give sometimes hence the thread! i can't for the life of me think that theres ever a situation where its ok for a parent to take £20 off a 7 year old.
 

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Nowadays it's much different, We also set her a limit as to how much she is allowed to spend on presents and that is a fiver each for her Mum, brother and me.

Andy
Its only different if we allow them to grow up like this.

The idea of setting a limit of a fiver to buy a present is good ;)
 

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I think as you have explained the money giving thing to her. Maybe try another way and as previously stated "use" the £20 to go to Pizza Hut or something. Then afterwards pay it back into her bank.

It would seem that the father needs something explained to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Got to put a stop to it now, a 7 year old kid giving £20 in a card, b'day or not. even if its linked to her dad or not, its wrong.
exactly

sorry you just need to tell her you cannot accept it, don't need to bring up the dad..
I've done this but she doesn't want to accept it, maybe i need to just persevere with it, i was just unsure as to whether there was a better way to handle it. i'd never bad mouth her Dad to her, she's got a handle on what he's like without anyone saying a thing.

My kids still make me home made cards now and they have left home. They hate it and often say "dad can we not just buy you something now" :D
:lol: my office is like a shrine to her as nearly everything she makes gets put up on the walls or sits on my desk. :D
 

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exactly
I've done this but she doesn't want to accept it, maybe i need to just persevere with it, i was just unsure as to whether there was a better way to handle it. i'd never bad mouth her Dad to her, she's got a handle on what he's like without anyone saying a thing.

:lol: my office is like a shrine to her as nearly everything she makes gets put up on the walls or sits on my desk. :D
This is your way then matey, as she already likes to make stuff for you, pics etc, tell not to waste her money as you would not really buy anything for yourself. and to make you something. Or tell her a limit of a fiver if she insists ;)
 

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or take her out, pick something together, then give her £19 in change for her to put in her piggy bank :D
 

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he's an arse it wouldn't make any differance, this is the man that wouldn't pay maintenance and spent all the money set aside for the kid in the joint account on booze!!!!!
I have seen this many times and the kids always get hurt.
She really needs to hear the real deal as well mate, or she may like I've seen time before..grow up idolising the dad even when the dads hurt them endless times.
Nothing wrong with them loving the dad, they just need to know the real deal..and then they will learn the clearer picture faster, so they won't get hurt AS MUCH.
All you can do is be there for them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I have seen this many times and the kids always get hurt.
She really needs to hear the real deal as well mate, or she may like I've seen time before..grow up idolising the dad even when the dads hurt them endless times.
Nothing wrong with them loving the dad, they just need to know the real deal..and then they will learn the clearer picture faster, so they won't get hurt AS MUCH.
All you can do is be there for them.
Luckly i don't think theres much chance of her idolising him, as young as she is she knows to an extent that he's an arse but obviously still loves him.

i'm always telling her that i'm there for her plus the fact that her mum and i are getting married next year has helped a lot, she's already asked if she'd be able to change her name to mine off her own back. :)
 

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i do this already and yes i do enjoy a lot it and we do all sorts of things together she's like my shadow most of the time which i love.

is this meant to be a dig?

it is difficult for kids to understand what to give sometimes hence the thread! i can't for the life of me think that theres ever a situation where its ok for a parent to take £20 off a 7 year old.
no dig intended at all, but colouring in might seem a daft idea to some, the fact that you dont see it so is brill,

I don't think it is appropriate to take money from a child, but my suggestion was rather to spend her cash on her, so she can see that you don't want her money for yourself and that you get far more pleasure form her and from doing things with her, which your previous posts implied, obviously care had already been taken to prevent her from feeling the need to give you money but she still did, if she feels this so strongly then its eitehr a cruel to be kind situation or showing her that you get no pleasure from her giving you cash
 

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Luckly i don't think theres much chance of her idolising him, as young as she is she knows to an extent that he's an arse but obviously still loves him.

i'm always telling her that i'm there for her plus the fact that her mum and i are getting married next year has helped a lot, she's already asked if she'd be able to change her name to mine off her own back. :)
sorry mate did not know how close or how solid the relationship was between you all.
Sounds like your are already the real dad for morals and her guidance growing up...so say it how you want it mate, because im sure you will do the right thing and guide her the right way, from what it sounds.

let us know the outcome.. tell her you asked some friends as you were scared you would hurt her feelings with the money thing and we all said she needs to take it back;)
 

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What a lovely little girl she sounds. You must both be very proud of her.

I think like the others have said find a way of showing her some things are worth more than money!

TBh though I think I'd have a quiet word with the father though - taking money of her is totally unacceptable and needs to stop!

Does she take money when he takes her out??


Emma
 
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