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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A husband had just finished reading a book called "The Man of The House" when he stormed intothe kitchen pointing a finger in his wifes face & he said to her...

"From now on I want you to know I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE, MY WORD is LAW!!
You will prepare for me a gourmet meal tongiht and every night from now on after which you shall run me bath.
After the bath you will lie on the bed and take whats coming to you.
And in the morning guess who is going to wash and dress me?"

His wife replies

"The fucking undertaker!!"






Freezing temperatures reported in Liverpool.... Apparently a scouser has been seen with his hands in his OWN pockets!!
 

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

:lol:
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Why does it take a 50 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

IT JUST DOES.... OK *shouted*



What's the definition of a glass bra?
Smash and grab

What's the definition of a padded bra?
Making mountains out of molehills
 

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Please please tell me now
Please please tell me now
Please please tell me now
Please please tell me now

I made a break I run out yesterday
Tried to find my mountain hideaway
Maybe next year maybe no go
I know you're watching me every minute of the day yeah
I've seen the signs and the looks and the pictures
They give your game away yeah
There's a dream that strings the road
With broken glass for us to hold
And I cut so far before I had to stay

Please please tell me now i
Is there something i should know
Is there something I should say
That would make you come my way
Do you feel the same 'cos you don't let it show

People stare and cross the road from me
And jungle drums they all clear the way for me
Can you read my mind can you see in the snow
And fiery demons all dance
When you walk through that door
Don't say you're easy on me
You're about as easy as a nuclear war
Cos the dream that strings the road
With broken glass for us to hold
And I got so far before I had to say

Please please tell me now
Is there something I should know
Is there something I should say
That would make you come my way
Do you feel the same 'cos you don't let it show

Please please tell me now
Is there something I should know
Please please tell me now
Can you see what makes me blow
Please please tell me now
Is there something I should know
Is there something i should say
That would make you come my way
 

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new language you all need to practise at work!!!

Notification To All Staff
Regarding Offensive Language At Work

It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to some complaints from some members of staff who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other staff so bearing this in mind the Human Resources Dept has compiled a list of Code Phrases: replacements so the proper exchange of ideas and information continue in an effective manner without risking offence to more sensitive co-workers.

OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE

No fucking way Im fairly sure that’s not feasible
You’re fucking kidding Really, is that true?
Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that past your line manager?
No bastard told me I wasn’t involved in that project
I don’t have the fucking time Perhaps I can work later
Who Fucking cares Are you sure that’s a problem
Eat shit and die You don’t say
East shirt and die, Motherfucker You don’t say, Sir
Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you
You haven’t got a fucking clue You could use some more training
This place is fucked We’re a little disorganised today
What sort of a fuckwitt are you? You’re new here, aren’t you
Fuck off I’ll look into it and get back to you
Fuck off dickhead I no longer require your assistance
How the fuck did you get that to work Well done
You fucking loser You were very unfortunate there

We do understand that some less communicative employees who currently use single, or at best double words may find themselves unable to comply with the new policy, hence the Human Resources Dept have devised a scheme whereby such employees for a period of say 3 – 4 weeks are permitted to use a transitional phrase before going on to use the permanent new phrase.

OLD PHRASE TRANSITIONAL PHRASE NEW PHRASE
Fuck Ive fucked up I appear to have made an error
Fuck, fuck Ive fucked up again I appear to have made a double error
Bollocks You’re a fucking liar You may have stated a mistruth

May we suggest you start practising these phrases ASAP. We will be conducting spot checks on all staff with regard to their progress on the transitional phrases
 

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new language you all need to practise at work!!!

Notification To All Staff
Regarding Offensive Language At Work

It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to some complaints from some members of staff who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other staff so bearing this in mind the Human Resources Dept has compiled a list of Code Phrases: replacements so the proper exchange of ideas and information continue in an effective manner without risking offence to more sensitive co-workers.

OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE

No fucking way Im fairly sure that's not feasible
You're fucking kidding Really, is that true?
Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that past your line manager?
No bastard told me I wasn't involved in that project
I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work later
Who Fucking cares Are you sure that's a problem
Eat shit and die You don't say
East shirt and die, Motherfucker You don't say, Sir
Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you
You haven't got a fucking clue You could use some more training
This place is fucked We're a little disorganised today
What sort of a fuckwitt are you? You're new here, aren't you
Fuck off I'll look into it and get back to you
Fuck off dickhead I no longer require your assistance
How the fuck did you get that to work Well done
You fucking loser You were very unfortunate there

We do understand that some less communicative employees who currently use single, or at best double words may find themselves unable to comply with the new policy, hence the Human Resources Dept have devised a scheme whereby such employees for a period of say 3 - 4 weeks are permitted to use a transitional phrase before going on to use the permanent new phrase.

OLD PHRASE TRANSITIONAL PHRASE NEW PHRASE
Fuck Ive fucked up I appear to have made an error
Fuck, fuck Ive fucked up again I appear to have made a double error
Bollocks You're a fucking liar You may have stated a mistruth

May we suggest you start practising these phrases ASAP. We will be conducting spot checks on all staff with regard to their progress on the transitional phrases
Use of the word fuck:
:lol:
 
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